And So...Another Journey Begins

There are eyes out here that stare with poor intentions. I see you. But I am still doing what I have to do.  Be still dear heart for such chaos won't last forever. There is peace, an unexplainable peace, and you've felt it before even though one cannot maintain happiness consistently. 

 ​It is funny how life works because just when I had thought I was finding myself I began to lose my way again. I've been living in the shadows of others; this is a familiar place just different faces. Dwelling in the shadows of someone else makes it inevitable to finish last. Sometimes, being human means rejecting what we have learned to be able to say we did something someone said we couldn't. For quite some time, I've known how attainable first place is, however, first place isn't always what you'd think. There is a certain amount of selflessness that comes along with it. There are titles-- overwhelming titles, with careless people starving to stand in the same space as you, grabbing at your hands and feet, and they're hope is for you to inevitably lose balance somehow. Most people would say standing in this space is the greatest achievement because they haven't had to stand there themselves. You can lose parts of yourself trying to win the "race". I've been protecting myself for so long-- I've forgotten what it is like to be a real person. 

If there is anything I'd want someone to take from this entry, it would be to notice life even during those times when you can't find any reasons to be thankful. Lately, I've been concerned with all the hours I have lost worrying about things I couldn't control or change. I won't be able to get those hours back and that is significant because a lot of time has gone by quickly.  I can say there are moments I've filed away. Either out of avoidance or exhaustion. I've been told numerous times to accept life on life's terms. But as a human being, it is never that cut and dry.  Life is not about winning or losing, it is about learning from the terror and smiling through the joy. It is about resiliency and who you want to see when you look in the mirror. It is about feeling love & connection in the core of your being. It is about evolving. It is about how beautiful a day can really be when you're paying attention. Life is about all of these things and more.

And so, another journey begins.

An Unscheduled Meeting

I have not seen eyes like I saw today. Her eyes were vacant and unsettling. They lacked the emotion I once knew. We brushed by each other like strangers.  It was as if my life flashed quickly before me in a momentary glance; I saw the hidden truth in each picture. She wasn’t ever capable of being there. I gripped the steel cart in my hand and wrapped my fingers around it tightly until she was gone. The inevitable had happened. I felt it everywhere; pins and needles in my feet, a puncture wound to the lungs, a large mass in the throat followed by a slow recovery. She walked by with complete and utter disregard as if I wasn’t her own flesh and blood.  I knew then that death wasn't going to take her from me; life was and on this day, it did. It wasn’t too long before the rain clouds came and engulfed my soul with a sorrow unlike any other. It was on this day that I realized I did all I could to love you. I did all I could do to make you proud. I did all I could. There is nothing more to be done. Fate had finally left me without any moral obligation. My place in her life has been one of struggle. I struggled to keep up with her on this treacherous journey. Every time I thought I had reached a level of equality, I found her force to be much greater than my will to withstand her toxicity.  I watched a broken bond fade into the misshapen distance. We were miles apart but those miles felt like world’s with no chance of meeting in the middle. You really are a stranger now; a somewhat familiar face carelessly walking by. 

Getting Older Does Not Mean

I used to get out a pen and know exactly what to write; the words would flow like a quiet, beautiful stream. Sometimes that was all I had in a day to look forward to. I am no different than the next person that struggles. We are all waiting in line to finish the same race. I've been doing this for so long yet not as long as some. Who would have known that day-to-day living could take away from people as much as it does? Even through my optimism, I know it's difficult. I rationalize that statement too-- if things and/or people have left us-- they weren't ours to keep. After all, there isn't too much we can actually keep, besides ourselves. We can keep and maintain who we are and who we will become. Lately, I want to write a different story-- one that is not plagued by disappointments and misfortunes. I tell my clients, the real trouble happens when you reject your story because it is a part of who you are and all parts of you are equally as beautiful as the others. I have lived in so many places I couldn't stay and that is why I write the words I never want to say. Home-- it  didn't actually feel like a home, it was missing the warmth and protection of a home. It was just a house with windows and doors. Oddly enough, this is the longest time I ever stayed anywhere. I have a home now and I love it there but it is that inability to separate the mind from the heart which continues to be troublesome. The feeling that I can't actually stay somewhere or feel the comfort that safety and security brings. But that is my thing; that unpleasant thing that follows me throughout time. I believe it is a distraction or an escape; an escape that has been habitual and easy. The hours are full of distractions especially when we are looking for them. The problem lies in the damage that is being done to the heart due to this little escape. The heart knows the truth but the subconscious is always working, hiding, and filing the things we conveniently leave behind. The older I get, the more I've been forced to see that people have a tendency to neglect what really matters. They get so lost in life and selfishly forget how to just enjoy a day. On a regular basis, people think being angry and sad is more important than living. I sit back in the sunlight, watching, as they forget all about themselves. There are too many reasons to escape but there is nothing like truly feeling the joy every day can bring. If we could know how short our lives really are, we would find more of the happiness we are disinterested in. Getting older does not mean responsibility must weigh more than the true-ness of a smile. Growing older does not mean forgetting what it is like to live.

-HB

The Only Gentle Hands

What on earth is going on in my heart Has it turned as cold as stone Seems these days I don't feel anything Less it cuts me right down to the bone What on earth is going on in my heart My oh my you know it just don't stop It's in my mind I wanna tear it up I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off But it's not enough It takes a lotta love It takes a lotta love my friend To keep your heart from freezing To push on till the end My oh my What on earth is going on in my head You know I used to be so sure You know I used to be so definite Thought I knew what love was for I look around these days and I'm not so sure My oh my you know it just don't stop It's in my mind I wanna tear it up I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off But it's not enough It takes a lotta love It takes a lotta love my friend To keep your heart from freezing To push on till the end My oh my you know I just can't win I burn it down it comes right back again What kinda world is this we're living in where you never win It takes a lotta love It takes a lotta love these days To keep your heart from freezing To keep your spirit free My oh my you know it just don't stop It's in my mind I wanna tear it up I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off But it's not enough It takes a lotta love It takes a lotta love my friend To keep your heart from freezing To push on till the end-D. G

I have been waiting for years for the sun to come up over the hill. Unfortunately, there is still darkness here—a couple tall tree's hovering over this land allowing only tiny rays of light in. Sometimes it is like my very breath is another indication of how long of a life it has been. Things don't continue unless we allow them to and when we want change, we have to make change happen, and that is what I did. I have changed. I barely recognize myself anymore; the same old, tired image fading into a beautiful scenery. No one told me adulthood would feel this way—empty yet so full of life. I have been spending many sleepless nights attempting to overcome that contradiction. In my life, I have lost the sun, moon, and stars numerous times, I have also fought to bring them back, numerous times. I am not alone in that type of endeavor—many before me have done the same. I have begun to search the beginning and ends of time to find those little pieces of heaven that have escaped, to find those types of light, and that nurturing kind of love within myself. Every break of day I have ever gotten was because I loved myself enough. As a practicing therapist, I know that my love has to be “the one”. I come from a world where love has no basis just conditions that mean pain and self-sacrifice. The process of learning to love myself from the ground, up, has been one of the most cleansing but somewhere inside are fire's raging and work that still needs to be done. No matter how much flicking and picking, all that genetics have brought forth in me, seems to exceed my heart of hearts threshold; it is a miracle I have any kindness left. I somehow have too much. And I keep thanking God because I know this journey is impossible alone. I get people, life, love, and most of all, I understand the emptiness all of those can bring. I have always been concerned with time because I know how quickly it runs out. Time is weightless-- it slipped through my hands and down the streets I once played on, into the gutters with one of those unforgettable, childhood rainstorms. The inability to rewind has helped me see that some people act as robbers—they steal the special parts of you, and then they sell them to gain worth. To be bought, sold, and abandoned while trying to maintain a balance and be a real person in a life that is constantly moving, sometimes too fast to keep up, is the only way of life I know. Truthfully, I have considered all of this and I have put it out there for the world to see. I know I am lucky-- lucky to be alive but sometimes a soul aches for satisfaction, for the ability to forget certain memories, for simplicity, and for a glimpse of unconditional love. The soul does ache and when it does, it hurts. During that time, words fail to come, forgiveness becomes bound to a life that never was, and those happy endings get lost in all the things left unsaid. The only gentle hands are of those in your lap—you'll learn to hold your own hand.

Mother

The storms are raging; slamming and cracking this white picket fence as a broken relationship freezes in time. You were never a hero. You just wanted to be one. The house in the country with the beautiful green grasses, flower gardens, and welcome mats never were. I don't dream about these things anymore or wait for you to become someone you are not. The antique hands of time have been spinning, faster and faster--we have finally ran out of time. I spent half of my life learning, there's nothing more I could do and that the only heart I could open is my own. I accept my powerlessness when it comes to you. The echoes of what could've been are haunting--they sound sweet, enduring, nurturing, and full of love. They sound nothing like you. Stop. Rewind. Welcome to reality and is this really my story? Come on M-O-M. R-e-a-l-ity. I have stopped living in the should've, could've, would've's because some lives are not mine to live. Until now, I have not spoken a word of what I learned from you. I have learned from you how to dismiss my fear of the unknown and be afraid of myself instead. As a person, we can make or break the one and only thing that can keep us alive--OURSELVES. It has been both scary and beautiful to learn that I have the power but I have been giving it away to everything else all of these years, including you. I am both; the question and the answer. I am, me and God knows the rest. You only get credit for giving me to a world that thought I was a reflection of you. These labels I have had to withstand-- the liar, the cheat, the one who walks with the devil, the grudge holder, the naive, and the stupid; none of that was ever me. Somehow, I have spent my days trying to preserve me so I don't look just like you. I preserved me, you didn't. For once in my life, it is ME, that rejects you. You no longer have the ability to live this facade or stare into the eyes of others dishonestly. The curtain has closed. The story has ended. You will not make me smaller than I am but you will remain less than you ever wanted to be. You will carry the guilt of what could've been because I have buried my guilt alive with the love you never gave. Stop. Rewind. Welcome to reality. This is really my story. Come on M-O-M. R-e-a-l-ity. My hope is that some day you turn around and take the mask down. I pray that you have enough grace to look at yourself with love and you stop projecting misery onto others. I hope you write the end of your story about what it feels like to be freed from the chains that bind you. These are the last writings in this story. All that holds us together are the dreams of what could have been and the heart break of what is now; the mercy of tomorrow, and a lifetime of trying to forgive. You have taken forgiveness from me; I do not forgive you.

The Soul

Underneath the flesh resides a heart which leads to a connection of the soul. Some of us search our souls for a lifetime just to find pieces of it that we lost a long the way. The soul and its pieces can be as nomadic as a floating flea market, with people scurrying in the streets, starving to live, to feel, and find purpose. I find myself viewing the world through the eyes of those who just want to be heard and now I want to write about it. I want to write about the beautiful souls I see cowering before me, fearful to come out, because someone, somewhere told them they were not worthy enough. We fear the unknown; we contemplate it and think about it at least once a day, 365 days a year, and we don't know why. We focus on the unknown like there is nothing else. As I observe humanity, I have witnessed many people who describe their fear of death elaborately but not one person has described a fear about not really living while being alive. My perception is that all people are wonderfully flawed beings waiting to let go of something. But there are no directions on how to let go, no road map showing exactly where to go, deep in the soul, and even if there were, perhaps we still wouldn't find what we intended to. People are professional bargainers; we all foolishly bargain with how much time we think we have here, forgetting that love and connection is what it is all about. We forget that new days are a gift; they bring new possibilities and the chance to evolve. When someone tells us, we need to love ourselves first, we call ridiculous and disregard what they've said.  Self-preservation is a helpful tool. Perhaps I say this because I am glutton for self-preservation. I preserve the parts of myself that I do not want to taint. I try to cherish parts of myself and hold onto them but more often than not this means loneliness. I miss the part of me that used to give trust so freely. There was a danger to remaining boundary-less; people take you for granted and hurt you until you become value-less. Boundaries compartmentalize people so the losses make sense and the gains feel good. It is hard not to be a lover when all people were put here to love. Boundaries mean having to tell your heart to pack up and go home where things make sense; home, where uncertainty diminishes and the mask you hid behind crumbles in your hands. Home, where you have no choice but to look in the mirror. That is where the true healing begins; here. A place we have attempted to wonder to for most of our lives. Will we find ourselves there or somewhere else? Is the soul really that nomadic that it can leave us before we have left? We have dreamt of being able to be somewhere else as someone else; where the streets are busy and the neighborhoods are full of people who don't follow their urges to critique each other. Somewhere else can be seen but not touched and even if we could go somewhere else, we would be hoping someone just like us, finds us, and learns to love us. Kindness would roam, war would be no more, and we would exist primarily for solace. Days would be as timeless as the definition of forever. This notion of there being somewhere else makes it hard living here; in this floating flea market, watching people sell their souls, hearing how others have taken pieces of their beauty that they never had a chance to see themselves. The tear stained windows of this world shatter with the sounds of little kids crying, people unnecessarily dying, and love being abandoned as if it were never the core of our existence. The only thing being scratched is the surface but there is depth to every surface. Life has depth that leaves the average lost, tempted, and intrigued. Dream your fondest dreams. Bring your dreams to reality. Finding YOU can change the world; YOUR world.

The First Snowfall of Another Season

We had the first snow fall of another season today, the day before Thanksgiving. I seldomly pay attention to the ways in which life is passing me by but lately it has been. All I have been noticing is how much things have changed and all I have done is ponder if these changes are good or bad. See, there's still things I need to learn and one thing in particular is that change, when it happens, is meant to be, and the pieces fall whether we allow them to or not. I am not the same person I was last year, it seems the years tend to bring a new, unfamiliar skin to wiggle around in. I don't know what next year will bring. It feels good just to be alive for another day even though I have lost a lot and suffered many shortcomings. This year, as the leaves began to fall- the days got shorter, colder, and the peaceful rains turned into a calming snowfall-- I began to watch life happen and I, too, happened with life. I have realized that most things are temporary and for once this did not sadden me nor did I wonder why.Since the pieces fall with synchrony whether we are paying attention or not- It occurred to me that I haven't taken hold of the simple pleasures enough--that many sunsets and snow falls have slipped away. Beauty falls through the cracks on a daily basis. The simple things in life are overlooked by other things that have complicated the day. The small things are what make life enjoyable. Life is bigger; it is in that one moment, when time stops, and you hear your own laughter, and for a second you feel the true essence of what being human is all about. Life is that joy and that is all I need. This past year, I spent my days crawling my way to somewhere, from nowhere, and in between that time...I lost myself. I lost treasured parts of myself trying to become somebody and again without realizing, I was already someone. So, I lost some time but I have today and hopefully many more days ahead.I honestly thought that things I can't change were bigger than hearing my own joy and laughter but they are not. The bigger picture is not only that things in life are temporary and that's OK--it is also that hearing your own laughter and sensing your own joy is timeless. Even if you cannot always feel happy-- try to walk with your head held high and feel the joy in every step you are able to make. And then one day it happens; that skin you wiggled around in, finally fits.