It Really is that Simple...Sometimes

The sun shined brightly but the day was dark; full of unwanted words from kids, friends, doctors and strangers passing. On days like today I feel tired; it is as if the record is spinning right off the track. On these days--my brain moves faster than my legs can handle. I am frustrated, angry, irritated and wondering if any of it has to do with the reasons I think it does or something else I missed while I was busy growing. I feel a disconnect lately almost as if I have let parts of myself go elsewhere. In some aspects, I care too much about too little, in other aspects I care too little about too much and these things only make sense to me. It seems these feelings are all about psychology--where I am psychologically coming from, where I have been, where I'll be going, who my parents are/were and It is exhausting. Most of the time I long for simplicity. I had gotten into the field for a reason because for me it makes sense. The human brain IS complex and mostly interesting. But when you're dissecting your own brain daily, learning all the pro's and con's that make you, you...it isn't as interesting. It is more annoying than anything. If you don't stick with the process, you'll never learn anything about yourself, therefore you'll never fix anything. With that being said, you also have to keep in mind that after you fix what your childhood years screwed up, you will then have to fix what your adult years screwed up. We aren't perfect human beings, something's always screwed up, whether you want to admit it or not, you're screwed up--there's something about you, a story behind what makes you, you and more often than not those stories are screwed up. Being human is the most tiresome role. It is the one role we are constantly in. We, literally, are being consumed by ourselves daily. I've been realizing that I have ran out of words. I don't have an explanation for everything that has to do with me after all because there are all of these words I want to say but I've been silenced by the thoughts they keep. Maybe I want to be something I am not or perhaps I am more than I could have ever imagined I'd be--somewhere in between is that disconnected I was referring to. I am often fearful of living and enjoying moments because the unknown creeps in and out stealing the seconds as I am living them. The older I get the harder it becomes to avoid what the word existence means; when it starts and how it will end. Life seems so simple--as if to say, the perfect song could describe it on any given day. Some days the sun and a beautiful breeze is enough evidence that this is all there is right now and there's no point in thinking anything more. It really is that simple. Sometimes.