Thoughts

I talk about the sun a lot and I certainly have written enough about it to show appreciation for its beauty. Every time I think of the sun, I think of my childhood. I can still feel it burning the side of my face in the back of my father's blue dynasty. Hall and Oates, Billy Joel, and Elton John played as we drove some of PA'S country roads. The roads on the way to my cabin were gorgeous. The trees hung over the sides like a curtain and the leaves moved from left to right, shining in a light breeze. Sometimes they blew all around our car as my parents laughed and my little childlike brain would think, "there's no better day than today." I never heard their conversations but I couldn't help to hear the laughter. Since memories are all I have left- I file them away for another day when my mind will selectively pick one out. I remember my father tilting the mirror enough so he could see me in the back seat. He was always watching. Those are the things you just can't forget. I wish I had more time and that's why I am writing now because time has gone by. A lot of time. The older I get, the less time I seem to have but when I was younger I had so much of it. I had enough time to get me to this very day. My childhood seems to follow me as if I left something there and it wants me to come back for it. Perhaps there's a chapter i have left open. Who really knows anyway, right? Do we really close some chapters of our life? Or do we conveniently file them away? I had a lot of dreams backthen. I used to day dream every day. I day dreamed of having a family and a good job. I dreamed of being a good person and how I would be remembered. I daydreamed about having a big beautiful house, in the middle of nowhere, by a lake I could swim and fish in. I day dreamed about having my own front porch with a rocking chair where I could sit and drink the best coffees and have the greatest conversations. I day dreamed about campfires and music blaring all of me and my father's favorite tunes. I day dreamed about a life I didn't have then. Sometimes the reality was that I would never have much of anything but I had heart. I didn't have to day dream about having a lot of heart ever.The only thing about having a big heart is that when anything or anyone causes you pain, you usually blame yourself- as if there was something you could've done. When you have a lot of heart, a certain amount of calmness comes along with it. You're always calm. You always know everything will be ok. Sometimes you care too much and you are able to see how some people care too little. I don't daydream much anymore. All I want to do now is live and never stop living no matter what that entails and to feel grateful just for the fact that I have been given another day.