Another season is about to start, not just any season, my favorite season of all; Fall. My favorite part of Fall is how days pass, coloring the leaves beautifully and while it is happening we barely notice, until one day we can not help but notice that change has happened once again. For me, Fall always meant new beginnings, for you, it could mean anything.
Today was one of the most beautiful days I had ever experienced in my life and to think I had thought this so many times before but no day ever gave me the feelings I had to today. The air felt so good on my skin, a light, soft breeze straightened the hair on my arms giving me what I call a, "half-chill". With the passing of each day, I step into a new world inside myself, not only have I been living through the most transitional period of my life, a transition which began with loss and heart break but I've also learned how much I truly appreciate and even love who I have become. This whole year has been about me telling my heart to hold on. Perhaps I shouldn't discuss matters of the heart but that is what lead me to write this entry.
Last year, I wanted to be somebody and go somewhere else, isn't that what we all desire; to rule the world, to be loved and admired? But from what I have seen of the hours passing, there are miracles happening everywhere just because someone chose to walk by. Maybe that is all I really need; a constant reminder of there being more to life than love. I have always considered myself to be such a lover but with a history of bad relationships, I realize my idea of love is much more tainted than I had thought.
Love is, seeing my niece and nephew riding their bikes in the park, gushing with joy because I hear their laughter.
Love is, how great I feel when in the company of a close friend.
And to me, love is, feeling like there is no place in the world I would rather be.
I could write a book on the wrong kind of love but I won't because sooner or later, you have to move on. You don't only have to move on, you have to close the chapter or in my case, burn it. Still, I will be the first to say; I don't know about love. I had some good examples of what soulmates look like but even they had their share of dysfunction. I guess I really am a dreamer, I waited so long for the fairytale to happen that I allowed my dreams to blind me from seeing what had really been there all along. I would have loved that secret, magical garden where the woman I love lays awaiting my return-- where her scent blows in a breeze that always seems to find me, I would kiss her every day the same way, whisper in her ear that she is the epitome of all that is unexplainable and that,I, hold the truest love there is only for her. Nowadays, this kind of talk is considered cheesey, isn't it? Exactly.
Someone once told me the only unconditional love I will ever have is the love I give to myself because most people cannot see pass themselves enough to ever love that much. I never thought I met the one but I did think I had met people who I shared very special moments with. I've come to realize, that is all those reveries were--special moments in time. I wish that I could say I loved the women in those moments any less, I wish that their inadequacies did not become my own but I can not change the fact that I loved some of the cruelest creatures because even the cruel deserve love.
I have been alone for quite some time, observing humanity, testing the waters of love once again, realizing unhealthy patterns, giving love too freely, hurting for the sake of others and hearing my last creatures' careless words over and over. After her, I turned my back on love, denying that I was still a lover at heart because it was easier. So many people are careless. Somehow I seem to meet them. They brush my lips with theirs, kiss my finger tips and distort my world with confusion. I do not want a negative view of love but I have had one. So instead, I've decided to remember what love truly is:
Love is, seeing my niece and nephew riding their bikes in the park
and gushing with joy because I hear their laughter.
Love is, how great I feel when in the company of a close friend.
And to me, love is, feeling like there is no place in the world I would rather be.
-HB
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