Defeat and Dreams

When you're a kid, the transition from spring into summer smells different. For the most part, it is all kind of magical. You believe anything is possible and sometimes you're even super human. That was the best part about being a kid--you had a spirit that no one or nothing could defeat. You had imagination and you were unstoppable. You were young and lucky for all of the senses because you were just beginning to realize how wonderful they all really are; sight, smell, touch, etc...they seemed to be magical as well. I guess I miss the kid in me. If only we can lose certain aspects of being a child and keep others but for some reason, as time goes on, we lose it all. I dislike the passing of time; it lends a hand in a wide range of emotions that either consume you or set you free. It aids in the process of dying and helps people love you differently than they once did. I don't know that I will ever be alright with that but I can say I will treasure the good days--the days that were full of happiness, love and big, beautiful attainable dreams. Maybe I won't ever be anything that I aspire to be, it seems as though I have been dreaming since I were a kid but thats where it ends; perhaps my dreams exceed what my being is capable of but I do know I could die trying. And I only know this because if your intentions are good, the heart and mind will never fail you. I've been writing for a long time. I could've sworn at some point in time, I would've become a better writer. I even thought I would publish. Those thoughts became dreams but for whatever reason, I failed the craft. I considered myself a writer till I noticed I was saying the same things over and over again. Who wants to hear the same things? Where does change come in? A part of me didn't like the competition that came with writing, I wanted to feel like my writing was the best but the truth was, it wasn't even close. Back then, that truth was a hard one for me, I couldn't separate myself from what I thought I wanted to be and how hard it would be to get there. I constantly tried to achieve perfection. I would write a sentence and erase a minute later even though it may have been a really good sentence. Eventually, I defeated myself. Not anyone else. I did. The funny thing is, I have been doing that my whole life. I allow myself to be defeated. I scrounge to pick up the pieces and spend years blaming myself for something I could have helped. Life is difficult. People are complex. Nothing is cut and dry nor will anyone ever spell it out for you. You're alone in your thoughts so the only way to accomplish anything is to get it right the first time.