The Cancer Diaries

New beginnings are a funny thing; we aren't always willing to welcome them into our lives. At that moment we have to realize change is constant and find it within ourselves to embrace a new day. I don't know how any of us got here. I just know that we are all in this together; hoping, dreaming and believing that one day, the good and bad will all be worth something. We are all beginners of life's quest no matter how many years we have in. We are here to find beauty and smile at our misfortunes. I have been awake all of this time, taking it all in; taking life in, walking with the truth in my hands, wearing the soles of my shoe's too thin, so I could write things about people and the world that are somewhat conflicting. I love people but they're so disappointing. I find that most people are blinded by their inadequacies and somehow we find it in ourselves to be the blame. I have also found that people don't know what family or friendship really means; they’re merely survivors set out to find or steal a purpose. When there is nothing more to say, people want your time and attention. When the love has overstayed its welcome, family wants you to be more unconditional than they could ever be. We, as people, hurt others, break hearts, take meaningful words and turn them to stones that we throw back and forth at one another as if we were made to be heartless beings. For a long time I would think to myself, “this must be what it means like to grow up.” I used to think that all of the time until someone once said to me, “know your worth.” Three simple words- k n o w y o u r w o r t h. But it seems our worth is often measured by how many friends we have, how skinny we are, where we buy our clothes, and how much money we have or came from. Worth has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. I will always have this body to walk in, these eyes to see the world through, this brain full of beauty and this old, happily troubled soul to live with. Now a days I am remembering to k n o w m y w o r t h and that has left me embracing new beginnings and realizing there is so much I thought I needed that I really don’t. The Cancer Diaries are inspired by the work I am doing at the cancer practice. Every day I leave there I find myself more inspired and grateful to be alive. All of a sudden, the little things that once frustrated me do not seem to matter. I no longer chase people to love me or be in my life because if they wanted to love me, they could and they would. I have also begun to use the words SHOULD and CAN’T a lot less. There is nothing I can’t do. Words are often restricting and given more power than their actual meaning. I want to inspire people with The Cancer Diaries because there is a message’s in all of these words that I hope people get. Those messages are to celebrate life and k n o w y o u r w o r t h. There have been several people who I have sat with in the last year that have changed my life; they have inspired me to look at everything differently, perhaps even more openly. They have filled my heart with love and joy as well as empathy I never knew I could hold. Some speak words of sadness and some speak words of bravery that one can’t even seem to fathom. Since I began counseling people at the cancer practice- people ask me daily how I ever deal with such a population. One of the ways I have learned to deal is to write about it and celebrate life. I met a 63 year old male recently who entered the office with his wife. He had ice blue eyes literally, unforgettable ice blue eyes. He came in for support because he decided he was no longer going to continue with chemotherapy. The reason for that decision was due to the fact that he had esophageal cancer and it spread to his lymph nodes, liver, lungs and pelvis. He wants to live a quality life with whatever time he has left and while on such intense chemo, he will not be well enough to do so. His words filled the room and quieted his wife’s tears. I watched the sadness escape him as he said, “I will not give up. I will spend time with my grandson and be with my family. I will actually eat real food and go fishing. I will be at my son’s wedding next year. I will beat this until I cannot anymore.” I smiled at him and told him his bravery is incredible and that I was willing to support his decision. He then looked at me, in a way that felt as if he were looking right through me and said, “I am not afraid to die. I know I am going to die. But there are still things I want to teach my children.” As he said this, I held my breath so I did not allow a tear to fall. Those were the magical words that triggered my emotions. For some reason, there is always that one sentence that gets me and it gets me like no other. This man was so full of hope that I couldn’t help but leave that day with more hope for my own life. You can’t get lost in the sadness; you have to find the hope, the bravery and the inspiration. Every day this man lives is another day he could die and instead he has decided to keep a positive attitude. He chooses to fight. I don’t know how to look at that like anything other than bravery. He left me that day, I sat in my chair thinking about how many days of my life I wasted worrying about things that didn’t matter. I felt myself want to hug him even though he was already gone because he taught me something. They all teach me something. I love people for that reason; for the lessons they have taught and continue to teach. He may forget me once our time is through but I will never forget him. There are faces you never forget no matter where they fade into- they always reappear in a different place for a different reason. For a long time I believed that I fought life and hadn’t won yet somehow I was the last to know. I believe quite the opposite now. You can’t win. What you can do--is live a good quality of life no matter what the quantity may be.