To My Father on a Hard Day...

I ran with music we once loved as the sweat dripped from my temples  and collided with the drops of hot water coming from my eyes.  You're everywhere in this place. There's so much the world doesn't know about you though I also know you would laugh and tell me they wouldn't care. That is something I would say. I knew it was time to write this because I am still not okay. This heart beats a very rare, painful beat since the day I covered your body with that bloody sheet and rested your arms at your side. There are days something more powerful than anything I've ever known takes hold of my throat tightly as if to choke me--those are the moments I realize you're gone for good. The tears break free burning the insides of my eye lids. I cannot make it stop nor does it matter how tight I close them--you're not coming back. I should be used to you being gone because you left a long time ago but I always knew you were out here somewhere loving me. Memories clog my insides as they swell from irritation any trace of hunger subsides. Where are you? I cannot find you. I want to wrap my arms you and tell you i love you: I just want you to wipe these tears and take this pain away. Nothing eases the pain in the core of this irrational scar. I miss you to the point where it is crippling me every day. I am trying to be better because you would want it that way but you wake me every night. Your death-filled eyes never go away nor does your voice--your voice haunts me; "I don't want to die." I could save everyone but I could not save you. My desperation speaks volumes only it couldn't be loud enough for you to hear. If I were all you had left why did you leave? These answers are not mine to know but for some reason today was one of the hardest days I've experienced thus far. I just dont know why. I will go on and do beautiful things for you. I will make you proud just give me back my breath because your death won't leave me be..